I’ve been becoming a crotchety old man. I never meant too, it just kind of happened, the same way people put on weight or get into debt. I used to be the friendliest guy I knew, but lately I’ve been more and more inclined to ignore the phone and snap at my wife for interrupting me while I’m reading the news.
These things happen to people, I’ve seen it since I was a small child. People forfeit themselves in exchange for comfort and acceptance, and slowly lose their souls. For many years I have had a critical eye for people who’ve made compromises they shouldn’t have, and then can’t seem to understand why they became depressed and unmotivated.
And yet, here I am, caught in the same old trap.
When I was a little boy, I heard a calling – a call to serve others by making music. A call to bless, to break hearts, change minds, and sing peace in troubled times. I have know for a very long time that not everyone has these gifts – but to the ones that have been given these gifts, we have a responsibility to nurture and cultivate them so that we can be who we are on behalf of those who can not.
To sing for those with no tune, to bring the beat to those with no rhythm.
Along my journey I have made many mistakes, and if I chose to, I could blame many people and circumstances for the place that I have ended up. The honest truth however, is that I have been a proud and stubborn fool, unteachable at times, and in the last few years I have allowed the dark weeds of bitterness and envy to grow tall and block the windows of my soul from the sun. Over and over again, I have traded in my calling for a “responsible” path. Over and over again, I have hated my self for trading my soul to appear acceptable to others.
Thank God, those days are ending!
My wife and I have spent the last several weeks talking, and praying about what to do next. While there are many, many terrifying uncertainties, the path in front of us has never been more clear. We will never have peace in our hearts without completely committing to this calling.
There are many questions that need to be answered, but the thing I am increasingly clear on – the questions we have can only be answered in one way. We have to live them out to see the results.
The changes in me over the last several weeks as we have turned down this narrow road are nothing short of stunning. I feel alive. I’m in love with my wife again, and in ways I may never have been before. I’m motivated to clean the house, and exercise, and practice, and fix things that are broken. I’m reducing my lifestyle, and selling things that I have worked hard for, and I couldn’t be more excited.
This is what redemption feels like. We could all use a little.